I'm done!

I thought I could write myself out of my own misery and frustrations... and I thought that by sharing I would find some sort of peace but I am not.
And I keep telling myself to focus on the positives but I am just...

Hurting. Smiling and living and loving and hurting.

So I am not going to muse anymore. I need to stop.
Maybe I'll be back.
Maybe I won't.
God knows there is way too much of me on display and I am thinking I should keep some of me for myself.

Judgement is not yours but lets just say you could one day meet someone who's heart bled often of their weaknesses and loves, based on her own twisted vision of the world. One so distinct that it was abused for being plain, honest and different. One too generous. One too damaged by time...Would you love her or judge her for being human? Would you love her or blame her for not knowing better and always giving people the benefit of the doubt? Would you love someone so easily? Would you judge her and see no balance? Would you give her a better option?

This blog was a testimony of a found woman whose strength washed its way down to a bare body, bone and muscle... and whose soul is deeply wounded by ignorance. Her own and that of her DNA.
This blog was a testimony to a profound sense of sharing and compassion for a world that is concerning itself with all the wrong things and would rather build buildings and feed us pigs and have us thinking there is nothing more to life than your own personal satisfaction. How does that even make sense. Why are we all here together just to manipulate, hurt and abuse each other? Physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually? Its so absurd but its so real.

Well good people...its a lie.
There are a lot more reasons to live than just for yourself.
You are important.
We are important.
Our energy is important and the movement within us is stronger than any building or disease.

These words were important.
BUT
I would rather be quiet.
I would rather be a better observer.
I would rather stop caring.
I would rather have enough cool and enough 'know-how' to live behind those walls that everyone else seems to be safe behind.
I gotta try it out somehow.
Protecting myself.

From myself and my willingness to go places other people refuse to go. And go there alone.
Bump writing.
I have to learn to protect myself.
I have to learn to protect myself.
I have to learn.

I'm done.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 16

Overcoming the narcissism...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 15

It was all you couldn't say that was needed to be said.
Respect is a terrible thing to waste.
I'll put your heart and my heart to rest. But you'll watch more things go by, more chances lost, more hearts break, more worlds collide and more teeth decay before you get the kind of sleep I'm getting. Solid bottoms and rock bottoms are not the same thing.

Find peace because the calmness is all a facade.
You are not really cool.
You are contrived. And would suffer a lot to maintain a lie.

It was all you couldn't say that was needed to be said...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 14

Whew...!

Alive.
I feel so alive.

Thank God.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 13

Some of these stories have grown old and tired.

There is something so full of joy in me and its living each day knowing how blessed I am.

"For all of these simple things and much more, a flower is born.
It moves to spread, love and joy, faith and hope..."

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 12

When the rain came down that Sunday afternoon I knew I was in too deep.
The rain came down so hard and I worried that something bad would happen to the car.
We were driving and the rain was coming down like a monsoon on your little Nissan and I was afraid of driving. You grabbed my hand and said, "Hey, I got you."
"So, I can trust him" I thought.
But you can't see clearly in the rain.
You can't drive safely.
You can't navigate the roads the same as if there wasn't a torrential downpour happening.
You can't do it.

Words in the wind.
That was a lie. That whole, "I got you," bit was a lie.
A lie that put too much on the line.

We never crashed that day.
We crashed on another day altogether and the damage was irreparable because it was based on lies and shame and dishonesty and fear and immaturity.
We crashed on a whole 'nother day and the impact left scars and cuts, wounds and concussions.
It left blood everywhere.
The crash happened without the rain, sleet or snow.
It happened on a winters day in January when I realized you were not who you claimed you to be, you are not nearly as capable as you think you are and you are weak.
You left me in that car of hope and 'I got you' lies to move forward with the smashed up, crashed up disguise of...scars and cuts, wounds and concussions.

Cowards...don't deserve much in life.
And certainly don't deserve me either.

I can't help but wonder if it was me?

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 11

I can only trust you.

Me?

I can only trust me?

"The hands of help you need are at the end of your arms." - Merytu.

I can only trust me to take me there.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 10

Is it me, or is forgiveness getting harder every year?

I was told I give too much with too many high expectations. I can own that...I think my giving boundaries are jacked up. I was given so much. I have massive gratitude for little things and big things but mostly little things. And I see how fortunate we are and feel like sharing is what this life is about...and maybe too often I over extend myself and get angry when people take advantage.

So I am thinking about trying to find a balance.
I woke up this morning thinking I would rather not be so angry all the time and I would rather feel lighter in my spirit by not holding all this anger inside or holding things against people...but I can't lie. Its hard to let things go. Especially when your only hope and sometimes only redemption is to know better for the next time.

Well...
Forgiveness...
I am hoping I can be better at it these days.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 9

Too damn sensitive.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 8

"A double minded man is unstable."

I hate the word "maybe". I hate when people say, "I don't know".
Both of these words always seem to put me in a bind. And it seems like these words are so prevalent in my generation. What do we know? Like really, what do we know?

I seem to see so many of us having a difficult time making up our minds and I think this is a product of choice and options but I also see how much it makes us... weak and afraid.
Weak to deal with consequences(good, bad or indifferent) of our actions and choices. And afraid of failure. Paralyzingly so. How can anyone really move forward with so many anxieties?

Anxiety is not loving. Its desperate and frustrating. Yet we live in it so much.

I am commissioning the movement of minds to look at life and answer yes or no.
Ask the questions that will allow you a definitive.
Be assertive.
Move forward.
...because there is just no love in anxiety.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 7

Emerging from disappointment, I started praying for a better way to view myself and my life.
I've been thinking about going back to therapy.
Sometimes I need to forget about being broken and just be.
When I look in the mirror, I see there are some amazing perfections in me.
But those perfections are deliberately in place for the same reason the trials of life are in place. Our passage from one stage to the next is filled with learning and teachable moments. The process of living is a process of highs and lows. Not everyone's psyche can tolerate the disappointments and traumas...

I am dealing with mine.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 6

The sun is brilliant today.
I am giving thanks for the life that affords me good sunshine and such amazing friends and family. There are so many special people around us. Most people in life are not worth your time but we can't always avoid wasters or haters in your midst... solitude, observation, love, discernment and an open heart to appreciate the brilliance that is life, expressing itself consistently, is worth your time.

Life is a gift. Share it!

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 5

Taking deep breaths and praying.




40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 4

Some of us are politicians.
I am a politician. Not running for anything more than your approval. Its a weird and funny race being such a love-aholic. You keep trying to gain new fans and new adoration because some of that validation feels good.

But in the loneliness of enigma-ticism, in the oddness of my neediness confessions and admissions, I see that other people loving me is nice but not everything.
I kind of need to love me more. More than you ever could. More than she ever could...even more than Mom ever could.

I am not afraid of being myself but it costs me so much I think.
I have confidence in my capability to be a world wind of euphoric bliss, physically and emotionally. Because it feels good to feel good. Inside and out.
But this world I have created full of art, passion, divine meetings and idealistic experiences, is confronted by independence to the point that I stand alone...A LOT. Its confronted with its need to find authenticity in more than time and words...

And although being alone is not the end of the world,
Giving up friendships for the sake of having things done my way,
Being singled out as the lone wolf or the lost sheep or the solo dolo mistress of affairs,
I would always rather be me than someone else.
Love driven, insane, political mess of madness.
If I must go crazy, I would rather go nuts by my own design losing moment to moment with the tapestry of an undying musical string quartet. Dying to live...in hearts rather than in the world of confused mice, lords and everything in between.
Judge me.
But I am coming undone while smiling.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 3

Frustration.

I got really frustrated today with the Korean phone company.
I have nothing to esoteric to say about being railroaded into bogus and fallacious charges for services I get in another language.
Bullocks!

Whatever.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 2

Today.

Memories overwhelmed me today.
Foot rubs. Back rubs. Laughter. Kisses on my cheek.
There will never be another like this one.
Instead.
Instead I think that moving forward means accepting that I must move on. I doubt we will ever be friends outside of that thing that captivated us in a romance. I doubt that we will ever be friends again because I would still rather be alone in darkness that witness someone else with you. In moving on, I think I finally got that certain things are not meant to be and I ought not force issues. I ought not concern myself with changing things that are sturdy and in place (physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally).

Like my 53 year old co-teacher who has not taught a class in 10 years. She is full of knowledge but is a bland breed of instructor to these fast technology students. So we talked about how to flow in the classroom. We talked about a more effective way to be co-teachers. We talked about the relationship between entertainment and education is a meaningful bridge to motivation. But then...with every point I made, she said, "But..." and nullified my perspective into what looks like a rigid system of teaching 10 year olds English. Lots of colors. Limited joy.
In the end I realized..."Am I really going to ask this 53 yrs old lady to change?"
The answer is no.
If its going to work, I need to adjust my attitude.

If I am going to move on, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to get over these feelings, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to put my heart back in my chest where it belongs as opposed to my sleeve where it spends so much time getting left in the rain to drown or in the sun to burn up, dry up and shrivel up...I need to adjust my attitude.

I'm accepting things I cannot change.
I am accepting that sometimes I am not chosen.
I am accepting that I am a willing participant in my own heart's demise.
I'm growing.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights

I am a few days late but I figured I would write some short thoughts everyday for lent.

Today.

I wanted a few moments to reflect on losses/changes for the year... And it reminded me of this book called "The Inheritance of Loss" by Kiran Desai sitting on my bookshelf. I remember wanting to read it because the title was so captivating and relative to some of the thoughts I've had about DNA having memory. What it means when loss is not just yours but that of a generation ahead and the one before that and then maybe another? What it means to have a legacy of loss/dysfunction in your family history? These are things I have thought about in trying to assess what exactly my purpose could be and if I was fulfilling it or some other law of sidereal design.

It was also on the NY Times Bestseller in 2009. So I am thinking I will attempt a reading in the next couple days.

40 days and 40 nights...

Someone else's husband.

He smelled so good all the time.
Made me feel petty.
Never had to do much.
Wrote me long emails and messages.
Cared enough to call.
Was consistent with me.
Shared thoughts with me.
Got lost in time with me.
And sometimes negated all other obligations to be mine.

Yet.
Its was all a lie.
Fact and fiction look the same sometimes.
Had to find a boundary.
Had to stomach wedding photos and rings and phone calls in the night.
Had to endure the fakeness of knowing it was all an insincere ploy to make me vulnerable enough give in.
To be callous... not care that I was breaking a universal law or violating a love affair ordained by heaven.

Because, I had let my guard down with someone who smelled, looked and felt like my dreams but he was someone else's husband.

I wanted to believe the lies so they could be true.
If I did, I remained satisfied.

But since I couldn't.
And knew I really wasn't cut out for being somebody's wife, perse, I walked away full of hope that one day all my sensibilities to sensuality would not cost us anything.
All my worries on someone else's domain, with someone else's intended, or someone else's paramour...justifiably sinning as loneliness takes over my physicality.
I am thinking that one day, it won't actually cost me anything
to
be
loved.

Every child

Every child needs to know what it is to be loved unconditionally.
Every child needs to know what it feels like to be wanted.
Every child needs to know that there is someone who would fight for him/her.

Day fucking 38.

Cuz
For
Us
They'll
Be
No
More.

You never know.

Letting go of the dream.
Letting go of the dream of marriage was a hard task but I did it.
Looking at the current love vibrations, I think it will be an interesting day in reality for love to mirror itself emphatically to someone like me.
I'm not looking forward to it.

But this video touched me a little.
Intimacy is a sometimes forgotten element of relationships.
And it can be built everywhere. There is no limit to its presence.
Watching TV.
Playing video games.
Cooking.
Its finding the nuances of your love that make love your affairs unique.

This window into something so bare was kinda weird at first. Only because I lack most of the points of recognition but I appreciate this song and this video for being so bare. So so bare.

Untitled.

My self-esteem could start from a small place and gather up quickly.
Hardening with each experience until what remains isn't any good any how.

But before I get there, I could just watch the sunset with everyone else's lover.
I stopped denying myself certain kinds of lusts or relationships and chose to live in the moment but after being devoured whats left is a certain kind of bitter.

Should my consciousness change and I feel no remorse for allowing certain credits to evolve, getting older does it no justice.

Because having a degree, and being well-read, and taking care of myself, and arriving at self efficacy is no match for vulnerability, deceit or the complex notion of being in love.
Knowing that when we touched each other there was not just flesh, there was also a spirit of unity. A spirit that was special, rare...

But thats not who I am.
I don't have time to repair the potholes of shame anymore.
I don't have the time to really patch up the feelings of loss.
I went to the pharmacy to get some gauze to cover my wounds, especially the self inflicted ones.

And after years of knowing exactly where the joys of intimacy eclipsed me, I choose not to worry about the moral conundrum of certain kinds of lust and infatuation because those things will never really be hard. It will never be too difficult to experience some sort of joy. It is what I can claim.

Should you be rewarded an impervious love, thank God you are not doomed to wander alone.
You were able to escape the erosion of you and all the things that make you, you.
Time built you a house, paid the mortgage and designed nothing but shelter for your head.
You should stay there.

When too much is too much.

I bare my soul quite often.
Thinking we are all agents of karmic destiny, I find my truth to be as relevant as your existence. But its not always perceived as such. I am working through my needs as opposed to my wants so that I can get back to living.

I have always been an overly observant person. Susceptible to reasoning and feeling peoples' energies. Its a gift I suppose. An example of this would be feeling a stare from across the room that is penetrating me. Or feeling the presence of someone when they are no longer in the room, its like their essence lingers or their auras were giving me a message. It can be incredibly intense at times. But what I am beginning to realize is that I lack discernment.

Not everything is for everybody.
All this time I've been talking and writing and experiencing people, places and things, it never occurred to me that I may not be serving any particular body's purpose but my own. And this happened because I was told I give too much.

My mother is the most giving person I know. She gives until she has nothing left but still never shows it and never asks for assistance. And most of my lovers call me selfish, my friends are my friends because we feel like family, so after hearing these labels...I am having a difficult time processing the idea that I give too much.

I also realized that I am not very self conscious. I am somewhat aware that my body is representative of my soul that I mentally struggle to keep pure everyday. Still in all of that I never used to spend too much time thinking about what other people thought of me. I never did. And then somehow it all became relevant and I stopped being me. I started being aware of other peoples opinions and started worrying about the value of judgement that others placed on me even though it couldn't possibly matter.

My minister used to say, "Who are you? And why do you think you are that important that other people should be concerned enough to bother with you?" And I always knew that the only way to be fearless and move forward would be to ignore the sounds and doubts of my own insecure mind and then doubly so to nay-sayers, non-believers and complicators. It wasn't until I stopped to listen to more than my own heart the waves of insecurity covered me in indecision, fear and anxiety.

Honesty...its a problem.

WrittenHouse- Cigarette Smoke

So this really cool group has an album coming out next week! Super excited about it. Writtenhouse is a talented hip-hop band out of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I love how easy and organic they sound.

The new album is entitled, "While You Were Sleeping" and should be interesting/entertaining. It drops Feb.15/11. I totally wish I was there to nod my head...

Enjoy!

Its So Loud Sometimes

You say so much by not saying anything.
You say so much without saying anything at all.

Everything in its time...

I'll just sit in silence and let the silence speak for itself.
And try not to feel disrespected because the silence has nothing to do with me...or everything to do with me and who I am or who I am not, rather.

I'll just let the silence speak for itself.

It may be time to own it.

I am literal.
Alive.
Too sensitive and too literal.
Alive.
Too emotional and too direct.
Alive.

Not sure what the problem is but I swear I feel paranoid.
Knowing who I am and accepting my brilliant design is worthy work.
Trusting my heart to tell the truth over my head is worthy love.
Being great despite my mental adversaries is worthy purpose.
Yet, I am still here worrying about foolish people, foolish labels, foolish concerns.
Foolishness.

I'm hot.
I burn it seems.
I blaze in my existence and the light and the fire and the heat and the words and the energy and the purpose and the build up is divine. Not mine.

I guess, yes. As a human... I am an insecure, excluded, deeply loved and deeply confused, extremist.
I guess, yes. As an autonomous spirit... I am brilliant, beautiful, unique, fire signed full of words.

Yeah...a drama queen!

Egypt and your legacy of dynastic imprudence

To the country that seems older than dirt.
With a history so opulent and great, with credits stretching beyond accounts, we still have no way of understanding what human progress is supposed to mean. This life seems more and more volatile. My person-hood seems more and more irrelevant since everyday there is something more to die for.

I cry for the others.
Not me, but the others whose lives make mine so problematic. Whose life seems less important than mine. Whose worthiness can't seem to equate to much. Whose reason for living I would question everyday if I were in their shoes. I would rather die than walk one day in someone else's shoes who's lot seems not to favor mine. I can admit to my selfishness. I can admit to appreciating this life but the heart stays sore. Its quite sore. The muscles seems weaker with every blow against us. The blood in my veins changing color. Tortured...

And this time, it isn't even just a racial thing.
Its not even just a gender thing.
Its not even just a sexuality thing.
We are talking about the basic human right to be better than yesterday. To have more than your parents did. To contribute to a society that love can reign supreme over all because everyone has some self-respect to be who they want or are intended to be. To be more than just a survivor. MORE than a survivor.

Let them be in the streets then. Let them riot. Let them burn it all. Because some boldness is the result of desperation. Let me lay down my life for my children. Let my civil rights be violated today so that somewhere in the future those people will love harder, better and stronger than me. Not these intelligent fools sitting in governments, scheming ways of maintaining a status quo, benefiting no one.

Humanity...
We are not brave unless we are under pressure and under siege.
We are not brave.
We are not brave at all.
We are not brave.

So each time a dynasty is built, and each time stability resumes, we should remember those who had the courage to be intolerable, without ego.

Because who we are today and who we will be tomorrow, has to do with heart and spirit. Ones not broken by the ineffectiveness of age.
And lately, both heart and spirit haven't been worth much on the Stock Exchange. They've lost their value to guns, oil, sex and greed. And that persistent status quo!

Who we will be tomorrow has nothing to do with money.
Because our life has value. My life has value...Let it burn, then.

no ordinary love, no ordinary love

i am in love.
no ordinary love.
this one feels like the big one.
it feels like i am in something that I will rarely ever have control of. it feels like my emotions are a wry. it feels like i need to stop waiting and wanting for anything else to come or for anything deeper to show up. it feels like an abysmal place to call home. it feels like growth. it feels like good. it feels like God. it feels like a chance to be better than yesterday and yet better still. it feels like love.

and i wanna make it.

Insanity arriving on a riverboat.

I think of you too fondly to have no reason to be here. I think of you too much to be here with no reason. So should this be more than an opportunity to grow with a side of entertainment, I have more desire than ever to be here. Where I belong. By your side.

But should I be wrong about everything. Should I stand for a moment's notice where my fond thoughts and regular visits to my imagination are worth nothing more than words then too, shall I know where I belong.

No anger or remorse is attached to these feelings. No reason to be harder than before but considering the cost of leaving my heart out on the line to wither in the ever increasing gama rays of the sun. Shriveling up and drying out and feeling so damn obvious in lending itself to cancerous thoughts and pedantic functions in practicality, the blood just gets thicker and the muscle grows harder and all I want is the right to feel secure.

So your smile that was once so reassuring now seems twisted and insincere. My only response to that is to cry so that I can admit that sometimes, most times, I try too hard.

Should insanity arrive on the riverboats in the hot sun from across the Atlantic sea, it will not be a surprise since insanity has been running in and out of the house for my entire life. It doesn't really ask for much just an open mind willing to reject the mundane or the ordinary or the possibility of indifference when reciting a well written monologue about those boys playing with your vagina in the 6th grade at the dinner table in a full out confession to your mom who invited her church friends over for banana bread and tea. It really is that kind of madness that drives love completely out the window and calls for a doctor to alleve the sickness.

He arrives with cough medicine and pain killers but its your mind that is gone. And you know, what?...Just like rejection, its hard to deal with.

2011 - Casting pearls before swine.

I walked into the New Year with my guard down, thinking I was safe. But I wasn't.

So I am thinking 2011 will be another year of non-resistance. A year of peace and more solitude. I see the solitude as refreshing but also part of an emotional exile from my feelings of attachment. For not so obvious reasons, I try to not let my pain interfere with other peoples' experiences of me. Or the karmic design of our meeting. My solitude is the only thing that keeps me safe.

The Universe is shaping me. Still. I'll stay steadfast in some faith that there is a divine reason for everything. And I'm stubborn! :c)