When too much is too much.

I bare my soul quite often.
Thinking we are all agents of karmic destiny, I find my truth to be as relevant as your existence. But its not always perceived as such. I am working through my needs as opposed to my wants so that I can get back to living.

I have always been an overly observant person. Susceptible to reasoning and feeling peoples' energies. Its a gift I suppose. An example of this would be feeling a stare from across the room that is penetrating me. Or feeling the presence of someone when they are no longer in the room, its like their essence lingers or their auras were giving me a message. It can be incredibly intense at times. But what I am beginning to realize is that I lack discernment.

Not everything is for everybody.
All this time I've been talking and writing and experiencing people, places and things, it never occurred to me that I may not be serving any particular body's purpose but my own. And this happened because I was told I give too much.

My mother is the most giving person I know. She gives until she has nothing left but still never shows it and never asks for assistance. And most of my lovers call me selfish, my friends are my friends because we feel like family, so after hearing these labels...I am having a difficult time processing the idea that I give too much.

I also realized that I am not very self conscious. I am somewhat aware that my body is representative of my soul that I mentally struggle to keep pure everyday. Still in all of that I never used to spend too much time thinking about what other people thought of me. I never did. And then somehow it all became relevant and I stopped being me. I started being aware of other peoples opinions and started worrying about the value of judgement that others placed on me even though it couldn't possibly matter.

My minister used to say, "Who are you? And why do you think you are that important that other people should be concerned enough to bother with you?" And I always knew that the only way to be fearless and move forward would be to ignore the sounds and doubts of my own insecure mind and then doubly so to nay-sayers, non-believers and complicators. It wasn't until I stopped to listen to more than my own heart the waves of insecurity covered me in indecision, fear and anxiety.

Honesty...its a problem.