Egypt and your legacy of dynastic imprudence

To the country that seems older than dirt.
With a history so opulent and great, with credits stretching beyond accounts, we still have no way of understanding what human progress is supposed to mean. This life seems more and more volatile. My person-hood seems more and more irrelevant since everyday there is something more to die for.

I cry for the others.
Not me, but the others whose lives make mine so problematic. Whose life seems less important than mine. Whose worthiness can't seem to equate to much. Whose reason for living I would question everyday if I were in their shoes. I would rather die than walk one day in someone else's shoes who's lot seems not to favor mine. I can admit to my selfishness. I can admit to appreciating this life but the heart stays sore. Its quite sore. The muscles seems weaker with every blow against us. The blood in my veins changing color. Tortured...

And this time, it isn't even just a racial thing.
Its not even just a gender thing.
Its not even just a sexuality thing.
We are talking about the basic human right to be better than yesterday. To have more than your parents did. To contribute to a society that love can reign supreme over all because everyone has some self-respect to be who they want or are intended to be. To be more than just a survivor. MORE than a survivor.

Let them be in the streets then. Let them riot. Let them burn it all. Because some boldness is the result of desperation. Let me lay down my life for my children. Let my civil rights be violated today so that somewhere in the future those people will love harder, better and stronger than me. Not these intelligent fools sitting in governments, scheming ways of maintaining a status quo, benefiting no one.

Humanity...
We are not brave unless we are under pressure and under siege.
We are not brave.
We are not brave at all.
We are not brave.

So each time a dynasty is built, and each time stability resumes, we should remember those who had the courage to be intolerable, without ego.

Because who we are today and who we will be tomorrow, has to do with heart and spirit. Ones not broken by the ineffectiveness of age.
And lately, both heart and spirit haven't been worth much on the Stock Exchange. They've lost their value to guns, oil, sex and greed. And that persistent status quo!

Who we will be tomorrow has nothing to do with money.
Because our life has value. My life has value...Let it burn, then.

no ordinary love, no ordinary love

i am in love.
no ordinary love.
this one feels like the big one.
it feels like i am in something that I will rarely ever have control of. it feels like my emotions are a wry. it feels like i need to stop waiting and wanting for anything else to come or for anything deeper to show up. it feels like an abysmal place to call home. it feels like growth. it feels like good. it feels like God. it feels like a chance to be better than yesterday and yet better still. it feels like love.

and i wanna make it.

Insanity arriving on a riverboat.

I think of you too fondly to have no reason to be here. I think of you too much to be here with no reason. So should this be more than an opportunity to grow with a side of entertainment, I have more desire than ever to be here. Where I belong. By your side.

But should I be wrong about everything. Should I stand for a moment's notice where my fond thoughts and regular visits to my imagination are worth nothing more than words then too, shall I know where I belong.

No anger or remorse is attached to these feelings. No reason to be harder than before but considering the cost of leaving my heart out on the line to wither in the ever increasing gama rays of the sun. Shriveling up and drying out and feeling so damn obvious in lending itself to cancerous thoughts and pedantic functions in practicality, the blood just gets thicker and the muscle grows harder and all I want is the right to feel secure.

So your smile that was once so reassuring now seems twisted and insincere. My only response to that is to cry so that I can admit that sometimes, most times, I try too hard.

Should insanity arrive on the riverboats in the hot sun from across the Atlantic sea, it will not be a surprise since insanity has been running in and out of the house for my entire life. It doesn't really ask for much just an open mind willing to reject the mundane or the ordinary or the possibility of indifference when reciting a well written monologue about those boys playing with your vagina in the 6th grade at the dinner table in a full out confession to your mom who invited her church friends over for banana bread and tea. It really is that kind of madness that drives love completely out the window and calls for a doctor to alleve the sickness.

He arrives with cough medicine and pain killers but its your mind that is gone. And you know, what?...Just like rejection, its hard to deal with.

2011 - Casting pearls before swine.

I walked into the New Year with my guard down, thinking I was safe. But I wasn't.

So I am thinking 2011 will be another year of non-resistance. A year of peace and more solitude. I see the solitude as refreshing but also part of an emotional exile from my feelings of attachment. For not so obvious reasons, I try to not let my pain interfere with other peoples' experiences of me. Or the karmic design of our meeting. My solitude is the only thing that keeps me safe.

The Universe is shaping me. Still. I'll stay steadfast in some faith that there is a divine reason for everything. And I'm stubborn! :c)