I'm done!

I thought I could write myself out of my own misery and frustrations... and I thought that by sharing I would find some sort of peace but I am not.
And I keep telling myself to focus on the positives but I am just...

Hurting. Smiling and living and loving and hurting.

So I am not going to muse anymore. I need to stop.
Maybe I'll be back.
Maybe I won't.
God knows there is way too much of me on display and I am thinking I should keep some of me for myself.

Judgement is not yours but lets just say you could one day meet someone who's heart bled often of their weaknesses and loves, based on her own twisted vision of the world. One so distinct that it was abused for being plain, honest and different. One too generous. One too damaged by time...Would you love her or judge her for being human? Would you love her or blame her for not knowing better and always giving people the benefit of the doubt? Would you love someone so easily? Would you judge her and see no balance? Would you give her a better option?

This blog was a testimony of a found woman whose strength washed its way down to a bare body, bone and muscle... and whose soul is deeply wounded by ignorance. Her own and that of her DNA.
This blog was a testimony to a profound sense of sharing and compassion for a world that is concerning itself with all the wrong things and would rather build buildings and feed us pigs and have us thinking there is nothing more to life than your own personal satisfaction. How does that even make sense. Why are we all here together just to manipulate, hurt and abuse each other? Physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually? Its so absurd but its so real.

Well good people...its a lie.
There are a lot more reasons to live than just for yourself.
You are important.
We are important.
Our energy is important and the movement within us is stronger than any building or disease.

These words were important.
BUT
I would rather be quiet.
I would rather be a better observer.
I would rather stop caring.
I would rather have enough cool and enough 'know-how' to live behind those walls that everyone else seems to be safe behind.
I gotta try it out somehow.
Protecting myself.

From myself and my willingness to go places other people refuse to go. And go there alone.
Bump writing.
I have to learn to protect myself.
I have to learn to protect myself.
I have to learn.

I'm done.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 16

Overcoming the narcissism...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 15

It was all you couldn't say that was needed to be said.
Respect is a terrible thing to waste.
I'll put your heart and my heart to rest. But you'll watch more things go by, more chances lost, more hearts break, more worlds collide and more teeth decay before you get the kind of sleep I'm getting. Solid bottoms and rock bottoms are not the same thing.

Find peace because the calmness is all a facade.
You are not really cool.
You are contrived. And would suffer a lot to maintain a lie.

It was all you couldn't say that was needed to be said...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 14

Whew...!

Alive.
I feel so alive.

Thank God.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 13

Some of these stories have grown old and tired.

There is something so full of joy in me and its living each day knowing how blessed I am.

"For all of these simple things and much more, a flower is born.
It moves to spread, love and joy, faith and hope..."

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 12

When the rain came down that Sunday afternoon I knew I was in too deep.
The rain came down so hard and I worried that something bad would happen to the car.
We were driving and the rain was coming down like a monsoon on your little Nissan and I was afraid of driving. You grabbed my hand and said, "Hey, I got you."
"So, I can trust him" I thought.
But you can't see clearly in the rain.
You can't drive safely.
You can't navigate the roads the same as if there wasn't a torrential downpour happening.
You can't do it.

Words in the wind.
That was a lie. That whole, "I got you," bit was a lie.
A lie that put too much on the line.

We never crashed that day.
We crashed on another day altogether and the damage was irreparable because it was based on lies and shame and dishonesty and fear and immaturity.
We crashed on a whole 'nother day and the impact left scars and cuts, wounds and concussions.
It left blood everywhere.
The crash happened without the rain, sleet or snow.
It happened on a winters day in January when I realized you were not who you claimed you to be, you are not nearly as capable as you think you are and you are weak.
You left me in that car of hope and 'I got you' lies to move forward with the smashed up, crashed up disguise of...scars and cuts, wounds and concussions.

Cowards...don't deserve much in life.
And certainly don't deserve me either.

I can't help but wonder if it was me?

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 11

I can only trust you.

Me?

I can only trust me?

"The hands of help you need are at the end of your arms." - Merytu.

I can only trust me to take me there.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 10

Is it me, or is forgiveness getting harder every year?

I was told I give too much with too many high expectations. I can own that...I think my giving boundaries are jacked up. I was given so much. I have massive gratitude for little things and big things but mostly little things. And I see how fortunate we are and feel like sharing is what this life is about...and maybe too often I over extend myself and get angry when people take advantage.

So I am thinking about trying to find a balance.
I woke up this morning thinking I would rather not be so angry all the time and I would rather feel lighter in my spirit by not holding all this anger inside or holding things against people...but I can't lie. Its hard to let things go. Especially when your only hope and sometimes only redemption is to know better for the next time.

Well...
Forgiveness...
I am hoping I can be better at it these days.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 9

Too damn sensitive.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 8

"A double minded man is unstable."

I hate the word "maybe". I hate when people say, "I don't know".
Both of these words always seem to put me in a bind. And it seems like these words are so prevalent in my generation. What do we know? Like really, what do we know?

I seem to see so many of us having a difficult time making up our minds and I think this is a product of choice and options but I also see how much it makes us... weak and afraid.
Weak to deal with consequences(good, bad or indifferent) of our actions and choices. And afraid of failure. Paralyzingly so. How can anyone really move forward with so many anxieties?

Anxiety is not loving. Its desperate and frustrating. Yet we live in it so much.

I am commissioning the movement of minds to look at life and answer yes or no.
Ask the questions that will allow you a definitive.
Be assertive.
Move forward.
...because there is just no love in anxiety.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 7

Emerging from disappointment, I started praying for a better way to view myself and my life.
I've been thinking about going back to therapy.
Sometimes I need to forget about being broken and just be.
When I look in the mirror, I see there are some amazing perfections in me.
But those perfections are deliberately in place for the same reason the trials of life are in place. Our passage from one stage to the next is filled with learning and teachable moments. The process of living is a process of highs and lows. Not everyone's psyche can tolerate the disappointments and traumas...

I am dealing with mine.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 6

The sun is brilliant today.
I am giving thanks for the life that affords me good sunshine and such amazing friends and family. There are so many special people around us. Most people in life are not worth your time but we can't always avoid wasters or haters in your midst... solitude, observation, love, discernment and an open heart to appreciate the brilliance that is life, expressing itself consistently, is worth your time.

Life is a gift. Share it!

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 5

Taking deep breaths and praying.




40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 4

Some of us are politicians.
I am a politician. Not running for anything more than your approval. Its a weird and funny race being such a love-aholic. You keep trying to gain new fans and new adoration because some of that validation feels good.

But in the loneliness of enigma-ticism, in the oddness of my neediness confessions and admissions, I see that other people loving me is nice but not everything.
I kind of need to love me more. More than you ever could. More than she ever could...even more than Mom ever could.

I am not afraid of being myself but it costs me so much I think.
I have confidence in my capability to be a world wind of euphoric bliss, physically and emotionally. Because it feels good to feel good. Inside and out.
But this world I have created full of art, passion, divine meetings and idealistic experiences, is confronted by independence to the point that I stand alone...A LOT. Its confronted with its need to find authenticity in more than time and words...

And although being alone is not the end of the world,
Giving up friendships for the sake of having things done my way,
Being singled out as the lone wolf or the lost sheep or the solo dolo mistress of affairs,
I would always rather be me than someone else.
Love driven, insane, political mess of madness.
If I must go crazy, I would rather go nuts by my own design losing moment to moment with the tapestry of an undying musical string quartet. Dying to live...in hearts rather than in the world of confused mice, lords and everything in between.
Judge me.
But I am coming undone while smiling.

40 days and 40 nights...

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 3

Frustration.

I got really frustrated today with the Korean phone company.
I have nothing to esoteric to say about being railroaded into bogus and fallacious charges for services I get in another language.
Bullocks!

Whatever.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights Part 2

Today.

Memories overwhelmed me today.
Foot rubs. Back rubs. Laughter. Kisses on my cheek.
There will never be another like this one.
Instead.
Instead I think that moving forward means accepting that I must move on. I doubt we will ever be friends outside of that thing that captivated us in a romance. I doubt that we will ever be friends again because I would still rather be alone in darkness that witness someone else with you. In moving on, I think I finally got that certain things are not meant to be and I ought not force issues. I ought not concern myself with changing things that are sturdy and in place (physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally).

Like my 53 year old co-teacher who has not taught a class in 10 years. She is full of knowledge but is a bland breed of instructor to these fast technology students. So we talked about how to flow in the classroom. We talked about a more effective way to be co-teachers. We talked about the relationship between entertainment and education is a meaningful bridge to motivation. But then...with every point I made, she said, "But..." and nullified my perspective into what looks like a rigid system of teaching 10 year olds English. Lots of colors. Limited joy.
In the end I realized..."Am I really going to ask this 53 yrs old lady to change?"
The answer is no.
If its going to work, I need to adjust my attitude.

If I am going to move on, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to get over these feelings, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to put my heart back in my chest where it belongs as opposed to my sleeve where it spends so much time getting left in the rain to drown or in the sun to burn up, dry up and shrivel up...I need to adjust my attitude.

I'm accepting things I cannot change.
I am accepting that sometimes I am not chosen.
I am accepting that I am a willing participant in my own heart's demise.
I'm growing.

Lent - 40 days and 40 nights

I am a few days late but I figured I would write some short thoughts everyday for lent.

Today.

I wanted a few moments to reflect on losses/changes for the year... And it reminded me of this book called "The Inheritance of Loss" by Kiran Desai sitting on my bookshelf. I remember wanting to read it because the title was so captivating and relative to some of the thoughts I've had about DNA having memory. What it means when loss is not just yours but that of a generation ahead and the one before that and then maybe another? What it means to have a legacy of loss/dysfunction in your family history? These are things I have thought about in trying to assess what exactly my purpose could be and if I was fulfilling it or some other law of sidereal design.

It was also on the NY Times Bestseller in 2009. So I am thinking I will attempt a reading in the next couple days.

40 days and 40 nights...

Someone else's husband.

He smelled so good all the time.
Made me feel petty.
Never had to do much.
Wrote me long emails and messages.
Cared enough to call.
Was consistent with me.
Shared thoughts with me.
Got lost in time with me.
And sometimes negated all other obligations to be mine.

Yet.
Its was all a lie.
Fact and fiction look the same sometimes.
Had to find a boundary.
Had to stomach wedding photos and rings and phone calls in the night.
Had to endure the fakeness of knowing it was all an insincere ploy to make me vulnerable enough give in.
To be callous... not care that I was breaking a universal law or violating a love affair ordained by heaven.

Because, I had let my guard down with someone who smelled, looked and felt like my dreams but he was someone else's husband.

I wanted to believe the lies so they could be true.
If I did, I remained satisfied.

But since I couldn't.
And knew I really wasn't cut out for being somebody's wife, perse, I walked away full of hope that one day all my sensibilities to sensuality would not cost us anything.
All my worries on someone else's domain, with someone else's intended, or someone else's paramour...justifiably sinning as loneliness takes over my physicality.
I am thinking that one day, it won't actually cost me anything
to
be
loved.

Every child

Every child needs to know what it is to be loved unconditionally.
Every child needs to know what it feels like to be wanted.
Every child needs to know that there is someone who would fight for him/her.

Day fucking 38.

Cuz
For
Us
They'll
Be
No
More.