Low Self-Esteem...Real Talks

I have low self-esteem.

Not every minute of everyday, but I see how it is affecting my morals and my so-called "honesty and sincerity" when dealing with other peoples feelings.

Sometimes I see how I lack the confidence to do exactly what I want and say exactly what I want. Good, bad or inconsequential.

At the root of my problem is the thought that I am unlovable. I have been constantly aggravated by the thought of being alone. And it means a lot more to me than other people because, I have always been alone.

Loneliness is not just about feeling a deep need to connect with others in solitary moments, its also about gaining something insightful and indicative in and of your affections of others.

So, I find myself over-compensating too often, the need to be complete. I find myself over-compensating so karma doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. I find myself over-compensating because I dance with Mr. Intentional too often and just when he brings me to the gates of hell, I retreat with remorse and conscience.

And then there is when the pendulum swings the other way, and I am so confident, so full of grace, so happy and content with who I am that all I do is look for the mirrors of goodness around me. That is truthfully where most of you all are.

Living in a love state of mind has a price...and its the unconditional road that we stand on when we don't know better, to do better. And so, since I know that I can dish my fair share of abuse when I am ready, I endear enough of my own...because there is some value in it.

And at other times, there is no value...you just have low self-esteem.

Everybody plays a fool...just not every day. You know what I mean?

"We keep on returning, because the lessons need learning."

kisses

Single Black Female a.k.a Mother Earth

Kanye says "...addicted to retail."
But I'm not addicted to retail,
I am just trying not to get stale,
seeing my friends pale
Not having the same issues.

But its abuse.

I don't want to complain that I'm not addicted to retail,
I just watch my sisters trying to keep our son's out of jail.
Seeing fire in their spirit
and want the burning to change.
and these mothers with bullet holed son's
and all she can do is wail and rage.

Have you ever heard that wailing?
Heard your ears and souls conforming?
Heard the people away sleeping and sailing.

While the youth are running from the gun shots flailing?

This is a disgrace.
"When a man loves a woman," said Percy
And opting to be better than my parents but not judging,
Because the Lord had mercy.
But its repetition is a disgrace and frustrating.

And my disenchantment feels abnormal.
When all the reaping of the sowing feels like I sowed hell.
All the reaping of the sowing says I planted evil.
And I don't really understand when my blessed heart has been so open
To give and give and love and love and lose so much that I figured the cosmos is joking.
It can't really be like this
Let me tell E.T to phone home
I feel ready for my place in sky if all I have here is the most trouble for stroking.

And should ego really play a part in losing so much
Well then its the kind of ego that makes me consistently be a fool.
And my beauty is completely distorted
Because I feel ugly inside
There must be a sess-pool
From where my heart used to be.

If I love you, humanity...and you treat me this way.