Today.
Memories overwhelmed me today.
Foot rubs. Back rubs. Laughter. Kisses on my cheek.
There will never be another like this one.
Instead.
Instead I think that moving forward means accepting that I must move on. I doubt we will ever be friends outside of that thing that captivated us in a romance. I doubt that we will ever be friends again because I would still rather be alone in darkness that witness someone else with you. In moving on, I think I finally got that certain things are not meant to be and I ought not force issues. I ought not concern myself with changing things that are sturdy and in place (physically, spiritually, mentally or emotionally).
Like my 53 year old co-teacher who has not taught a class in 10 years. She is full of knowledge but is a bland breed of instructor to these fast technology students. So we talked about how to flow in the classroom. We talked about a more effective way to be co-teachers. We talked about the relationship between entertainment and education is a meaningful bridge to motivation. But then...with every point I made, she said, "But..." and nullified my perspective into what looks like a rigid system of teaching 10 year olds English. Lots of colors. Limited joy.
In the end I realized..."Am I really going to ask this 53 yrs old lady to change?"
The answer is no.
If its going to work, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to move on, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to get over these feelings, I need to adjust my attitude.
If I am going to put my heart back in my chest where it belongs as opposed to my sleeve where it spends so much time getting left in the rain to drown or in the sun to burn up, dry up and shrivel up...I need to adjust my attitude.
I'm accepting things I cannot change.
I am accepting that sometimes I am not chosen.
I am accepting that I am a willing participant in my own heart's demise.
I'm growing.
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