I was walking my dog a few weeks ago and happened upon about 6 Korean women under a big striped canopy on the corner.
They looked like they were selling something.
Two of them approached me and asked me if I wanted some coffee. I politely decline but asked them what they were selling...and then it happened? Imagine in slow motion, lips moving, smile formatted to show exactly eight and a half front teeth. Eyes skewed with her head to the side, she asked me, "Do you know Holy Mother?"
She was one of those chosen people, that heard something that sounded true and she dedicated her life to it.
A few different points of identification are at work here. I live in Korea so...
1. The adoption of the English language means the adaptation of culture and the perpetuation of its disingenuous habits, including the proselytization of religious beliefs.
2. The long overdue women's rights revolution in Korea is taking a more scenic route through a spiritual gender revolution.
As much I like to think of myself as progressive, I can't really get with this whole religious fanaticism that goes on in Korea. I don't understand how there are elements of their cultural habits (like grounded toilets and phlegm regurgitation) that seem to stick and others (like age old Confucian tradition) that is getting thrown out with the bath water with the Americanization of Korea. Values are crazy...and maybe I think too much, but I truly believe that dogmatic beliefs and occults that people gravitate to in the circumstances that are created in dry-ass Korea are reactionary. They are reactionary to the need and the fear that life is not what we think it is and in moments of randomness and spiritual irrelevance, we need to feel important. We need to feel valuable.
Nuts.
I say stand still.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Insecurity
I have second guessed myself a lot.
I have second guessed myself out of brilliant ideas.
I have second guessed myself out of love.
And recently, I second guessed myself into some drama.
The psychological fall back of second guessing is going against your intuition. Its saying yes when you really want to say no and saying no when you really want to say yes. Its rarely following through on what you say you want to do or will do. Its asking people to accept that you haven't figured yourself out enough to be about something so you are about nothing but they should still like you, support you and want you around.
Insecurity is a powerful mindful dynamic that happens between your conscious self and your alter-ego or your conscious self and your damaged ego... either way, the part of us that doesn't feel good enough or feels too good enough to be who we are at our fullest, is also the part of us that talks us out of our best or into our worst states of self.
Recently, I battled my own ego over someone else's ego.
Her ego got the better of her and my ego got the better of me and now the damage is irreparable. Should love have prevailed, it would have looked like care and not disregard and disrespect. Time cannot erase these kinds of wounds because the desire to be right has now outweighed my desire to be friends. And its all for a good cause.
However, when she was cursing me out, she brought up how much reassurance I needed in order to work with her and how hard it was to convince me that I was capable of doing something great. Nothing else she said was true, but this was the only part that was true. But it wasn't because I didn't think I was capable. I wasn't second guessing my ability to perform this task or complete this project. I was second guessing my involvement with her. It just never sat right nor did I feel comfortable enough to work with her because I didn't trust her. But I went against my feelings anyway because I just couldn't find the justification not to trust her. The universe opened my eyes to my own instinctual reservations, I neglected to follow and the end result...drama.
Now people like me don't always have bottom lines. Even when I try to reach one, I know that circumstances could change my mind. But I know for a fact that underneath all of my insecurity is a bright shiny loving self. A sharing, giving, "want the best for everybody else" self. A "walk in the light with your head held high" self. A good self. A strong self. A confident self and a discerning self. I am just hoping I can get there more often.
In fact, maybe we can get there together. But before we do, be very aware that when we walk too high or walk too low, consequence and karma are waiting for us. So best be sorting out those motives and thoughts.
Kisses
I have second guessed myself out of brilliant ideas.
I have second guessed myself out of love.
And recently, I second guessed myself into some drama.
The psychological fall back of second guessing is going against your intuition. Its saying yes when you really want to say no and saying no when you really want to say yes. Its rarely following through on what you say you want to do or will do. Its asking people to accept that you haven't figured yourself out enough to be about something so you are about nothing but they should still like you, support you and want you around.
Insecurity is a powerful mindful dynamic that happens between your conscious self and your alter-ego or your conscious self and your damaged ego... either way, the part of us that doesn't feel good enough or feels too good enough to be who we are at our fullest, is also the part of us that talks us out of our best or into our worst states of self.
Recently, I battled my own ego over someone else's ego.
Her ego got the better of her and my ego got the better of me and now the damage is irreparable. Should love have prevailed, it would have looked like care and not disregard and disrespect. Time cannot erase these kinds of wounds because the desire to be right has now outweighed my desire to be friends. And its all for a good cause.
However, when she was cursing me out, she brought up how much reassurance I needed in order to work with her and how hard it was to convince me that I was capable of doing something great. Nothing else she said was true, but this was the only part that was true. But it wasn't because I didn't think I was capable. I wasn't second guessing my ability to perform this task or complete this project. I was second guessing my involvement with her. It just never sat right nor did I feel comfortable enough to work with her because I didn't trust her. But I went against my feelings anyway because I just couldn't find the justification not to trust her. The universe opened my eyes to my own instinctual reservations, I neglected to follow and the end result...drama.
Now people like me don't always have bottom lines. Even when I try to reach one, I know that circumstances could change my mind. But I know for a fact that underneath all of my insecurity is a bright shiny loving self. A sharing, giving, "want the best for everybody else" self. A "walk in the light with your head held high" self. A good self. A strong self. A confident self and a discerning self. I am just hoping I can get there more often.
In fact, maybe we can get there together. But before we do, be very aware that when we walk too high or walk too low, consequence and karma are waiting for us. So best be sorting out those motives and thoughts.
Kisses
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Resentment
Resentment does more harm to you than it does the people you are resenting.
It prevents you from starting fresh because you are holding on to the past.
One of the things I want to define in this blog is what is means "to hold on to the past." Because, I never knew how much deep seeded resentment was a part of me not letting go of things.
"Holding onto the past" is you remembering what happened in full detail even down to the feelings of inadequacy/disappointment with the realization that we just should have known better.
"Holding onto the past", is you remembering every time you see the offender the pain or the frustration.
A friend of mine said to me one day, "You have to forgive people and not hold their wrongs against them." And even though it was a truth I already knew, it was resounding that day because being able to forgive and "forget" is the whole foundation of a spiritual life. It is the absence of judgment with the capacity for minimal error, right? Yes, but that shyt is hard.
Its hard because when people, circumstances, life grips us with pain, insecurity, disenchantment and/or wrong, we want to see justice in our interactions or in our ability to get past it. We want to know that others will pay for their offenses. But the truth is, its not even up to us to make sure someone else learns their lesson.
It is,however, up to us to find hope in our movement forward.
It prevents you from starting fresh because you are holding on to the past.
One of the things I want to define in this blog is what is means "to hold on to the past." Because, I never knew how much deep seeded resentment was a part of me not letting go of things.
"Holding onto the past" is you remembering what happened in full detail even down to the feelings of inadequacy/disappointment with the realization that we just should have known better.
"Holding onto the past", is you remembering every time you see the offender the pain or the frustration.
A friend of mine said to me one day, "You have to forgive people and not hold their wrongs against them." And even though it was a truth I already knew, it was resounding that day because being able to forgive and "forget" is the whole foundation of a spiritual life. It is the absence of judgment with the capacity for minimal error, right? Yes, but that shyt is hard.
Its hard because when people, circumstances, life grips us with pain, insecurity, disenchantment and/or wrong, we want to see justice in our interactions or in our ability to get past it. We want to know that others will pay for their offenses. But the truth is, its not even up to us to make sure someone else learns their lesson.
It is,however, up to us to find hope in our movement forward.
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