Insecurity

I have second guessed myself a lot.
I have second guessed myself out of brilliant ideas.
I have second guessed myself out of love.
And recently, I second guessed myself into some drama.

The psychological fall back of second guessing is going against your intuition. Its saying yes when you really want to say no and saying no when you really want to say yes. Its rarely following through on what you say you want to do or will do. Its asking people to accept that you haven't figured yourself out enough to be about something so you are about nothing but they should still like you, support you and want you around.

Insecurity is a powerful mindful dynamic that happens between your conscious self and your alter-ego or your conscious self and your damaged ego... either way, the part of us that doesn't feel good enough or feels too good enough to be who we are at our fullest, is also the part of us that talks us out of our best or into our worst states of self.

Recently, I battled my own ego over someone else's ego.
Her ego got the better of her and my ego got the better of me and now the damage is irreparable. Should love have prevailed, it would have looked like care and not disregard and disrespect. Time cannot erase these kinds of wounds because the desire to be right has now outweighed my desire to be friends. And its all for a good cause.

However, when she was cursing me out, she brought up how much reassurance I needed in order to work with her and how hard it was to convince me that I was capable of doing something great. Nothing else she said was true, but this was the only part that was true. But it wasn't because I didn't think I was capable. I wasn't second guessing my ability to perform this task or complete this project. I was second guessing my involvement with her. It just never sat right nor did I feel comfortable enough to work with her because I didn't trust her. But I went against my feelings anyway because I just couldn't find the justification not to trust her. The universe opened my eyes to my own instinctual reservations, I neglected to follow and the end result...drama.

Now people like me don't always have bottom lines. Even when I try to reach one, I know that circumstances could change my mind. But I know for a fact that underneath all of my insecurity is a bright shiny loving self. A sharing, giving, "want the best for everybody else" self. A "walk in the light with your head held high" self. A good self. A strong self. A confident self and a discerning self. I am just hoping I can get there more often.

In fact, maybe we can get there together. But before we do, be very aware that when we walk too high or walk too low, consequence and karma are waiting for us. So best be sorting out those motives and thoughts.

Kisses