Letting go of the dream.
Letting go of the dream of marriage was a hard task but I did it.
Looking at the current love vibrations, I think it will be an interesting day in reality for love to mirror itself emphatically to someone like me.
I'm not looking forward to it.
But this video touched me a little.
Intimacy is a sometimes forgotten element of relationships.
And it can be built everywhere. There is no limit to its presence.
Watching TV.
Playing video games.
Cooking.
Its finding the nuances of your love that make love your affairs unique.
This window into something so bare was kinda weird at first. Only because I lack most of the points of recognition but I appreciate this song and this video for being so bare. So so bare.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Untitled.
My self-esteem could start from a small place and gather up quickly.
Hardening with each experience until what remains isn't any good any how.
But before I get there, I could just watch the sunset with everyone else's lover.
I stopped denying myself certain kinds of lusts or relationships and chose to live in the moment but after being devoured whats left is a certain kind of bitter.
Should my consciousness change and I feel no remorse for allowing certain credits to evolve, getting older does it no justice.
Because having a degree, and being well-read, and taking care of myself, and arriving at self efficacy is no match for vulnerability, deceit or the complex notion of being in love.
Knowing that when we touched each other there was not just flesh, there was also a spirit of unity. A spirit that was special, rare...
But thats not who I am.
I don't have time to repair the potholes of shame anymore.
I don't have the time to really patch up the feelings of loss.
I went to the pharmacy to get some gauze to cover my wounds, especially the self inflicted ones.
And after years of knowing exactly where the joys of intimacy eclipsed me, I choose not to worry about the moral conundrum of certain kinds of lust and infatuation because those things will never really be hard. It will never be too difficult to experience some sort of joy. It is what I can claim.
Should you be rewarded an impervious love, thank God you are not doomed to wander alone.
You were able to escape the erosion of you and all the things that make you, you.
Time built you a house, paid the mortgage and designed nothing but shelter for your head.
You should stay there.
Hardening with each experience until what remains isn't any good any how.
But before I get there, I could just watch the sunset with everyone else's lover.
I stopped denying myself certain kinds of lusts or relationships and chose to live in the moment but after being devoured whats left is a certain kind of bitter.
Should my consciousness change and I feel no remorse for allowing certain credits to evolve, getting older does it no justice.
Because having a degree, and being well-read, and taking care of myself, and arriving at self efficacy is no match for vulnerability, deceit or the complex notion of being in love.
Knowing that when we touched each other there was not just flesh, there was also a spirit of unity. A spirit that was special, rare...
But thats not who I am.
I don't have time to repair the potholes of shame anymore.
I don't have the time to really patch up the feelings of loss.
I went to the pharmacy to get some gauze to cover my wounds, especially the self inflicted ones.
And after years of knowing exactly where the joys of intimacy eclipsed me, I choose not to worry about the moral conundrum of certain kinds of lust and infatuation because those things will never really be hard. It will never be too difficult to experience some sort of joy. It is what I can claim.
Should you be rewarded an impervious love, thank God you are not doomed to wander alone.
You were able to escape the erosion of you and all the things that make you, you.
Time built you a house, paid the mortgage and designed nothing but shelter for your head.
You should stay there.
Friday, February 18, 2011
When too much is too much.
I bare my soul quite often.
Thinking we are all agents of karmic destiny, I find my truth to be as relevant as your existence. But its not always perceived as such. I am working through my needs as opposed to my wants so that I can get back to living.
I have always been an overly observant person. Susceptible to reasoning and feeling peoples' energies. Its a gift I suppose. An example of this would be feeling a stare from across the room that is penetrating me. Or feeling the presence of someone when they are no longer in the room, its like their essence lingers or their auras were giving me a message. It can be incredibly intense at times. But what I am beginning to realize is that I lack discernment.
Not everything is for everybody.
All this time I've been talking and writing and experiencing people, places and things, it never occurred to me that I may not be serving any particular body's purpose but my own. And this happened because I was told I give too much.
My mother is the most giving person I know. She gives until she has nothing left but still never shows it and never asks for assistance. And most of my lovers call me selfish, my friends are my friends because we feel like family, so after hearing these labels...I am having a difficult time processing the idea that I give too much.
I also realized that I am not very self conscious. I am somewhat aware that my body is representative of my soul that I mentally struggle to keep pure everyday. Still in all of that I never used to spend too much time thinking about what other people thought of me. I never did. And then somehow it all became relevant and I stopped being me. I started being aware of other peoples opinions and started worrying about the value of judgement that others placed on me even though it couldn't possibly matter.
My minister used to say, "Who are you? And why do you think you are that important that other people should be concerned enough to bother with you?" And I always knew that the only way to be fearless and move forward would be to ignore the sounds and doubts of my own insecure mind and then doubly so to nay-sayers, non-believers and complicators. It wasn't until I stopped to listen to more than my own heart the waves of insecurity covered me in indecision, fear and anxiety.
Honesty...its a problem.
Thinking we are all agents of karmic destiny, I find my truth to be as relevant as your existence. But its not always perceived as such. I am working through my needs as opposed to my wants so that I can get back to living.
I have always been an overly observant person. Susceptible to reasoning and feeling peoples' energies. Its a gift I suppose. An example of this would be feeling a stare from across the room that is penetrating me. Or feeling the presence of someone when they are no longer in the room, its like their essence lingers or their auras were giving me a message. It can be incredibly intense at times. But what I am beginning to realize is that I lack discernment.
Not everything is for everybody.
All this time I've been talking and writing and experiencing people, places and things, it never occurred to me that I may not be serving any particular body's purpose but my own. And this happened because I was told I give too much.
My mother is the most giving person I know. She gives until she has nothing left but still never shows it and never asks for assistance. And most of my lovers call me selfish, my friends are my friends because we feel like family, so after hearing these labels...I am having a difficult time processing the idea that I give too much.
I also realized that I am not very self conscious. I am somewhat aware that my body is representative of my soul that I mentally struggle to keep pure everyday. Still in all of that I never used to spend too much time thinking about what other people thought of me. I never did. And then somehow it all became relevant and I stopped being me. I started being aware of other peoples opinions and started worrying about the value of judgement that others placed on me even though it couldn't possibly matter.
My minister used to say, "Who are you? And why do you think you are that important that other people should be concerned enough to bother with you?" And I always knew that the only way to be fearless and move forward would be to ignore the sounds and doubts of my own insecure mind and then doubly so to nay-sayers, non-believers and complicators. It wasn't until I stopped to listen to more than my own heart the waves of insecurity covered me in indecision, fear and anxiety.
Honesty...its a problem.
Monday, February 7, 2011
WrittenHouse- Cigarette Smoke
So this really cool group has an album coming out next week! Super excited about it. Writtenhouse is a talented hip-hop band out of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I love how easy and organic they sound.
The new album is entitled, "While You Were Sleeping" and should be interesting/entertaining. It drops Feb.15/11. I totally wish I was there to nod my head...
Enjoy!
The new album is entitled, "While You Were Sleeping" and should be interesting/entertaining. It drops Feb.15/11. I totally wish I was there to nod my head...
Enjoy!
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