Napolean

This prose was written in one of my enraged moments last year around this time. I am going through the vault of writing that has brought me to this point and feel like I should share some of them. Being in dark places, is a beautiful and shaping experience because you always come out more refined as a person. So... don't worry about me. I am just sharing.

He stood so short.

Insincere but warm. He made his way into my life.

With presumption and war in his eyes. And arrogance in his stride. And audacity in his little make up.

He lied. He lay with me. Beside me.

Caressed me. Manipulated me.

But he never held me.

Belligerent and angry to the point of no reprieve and all the puffed up manhood only defined by panic and circumstance. It did not make a man. It made a child lose his freedom and scramble in irresponsibility. Napoleon.

He stepped in their shoes and lied. To himself, his friends, his lovers, his child, broke homes, slept with peoples' wives and listened to punk music that was no longer an organic escape. Instead he explored other peoples pain rather than his own. And gave some more pain to every life he ever touched.

We had no business loving him. He was not deserving and as the black devil tries hard to hold on to this era he possesses these weak ones under the Taurean Sun. Makes us believe them, trust them and consort with them while they create the havoc necessary for the insecurity of time.

And I reckon one lifetime ago, I said the same thing.

With those many rivers to cross ahead, the "man in transition" line will no longer cross these rivers... no bridges left. They all went up in flames with about 1500 reasons as to why the bridge will never be built again. There is no bike to carry him over. No electricity or gas to light the way. No hat to weather the snow and the rain. No money to catch a plane.

Don't look back...because you are already a pillar of salt.

Don't look back...because you have already missed so much of the good things.

We can't look back...even though it hurts, every day it hurts a little less.

Its never just a one night stand

The conspiracy of circumstances that bring two people together.
At a specific time.
In a specific place.
With two open hearts and minds.

What planets had to shift so that you would feel confident enough to buy a drink or shake a hand or smile in the right direction?

What kind of cosmic relevance is the idea that the feelings we share are all compounded into a few minutes of tangeable/intangeable things.

Feelings.
Heat.
Passion.
Desire.
The rising and falling of our chests. The breathing.
Arms, legs and lips.
And a freedom to feel and to love.

And then...like none of that ever mattered.
Like time warped our closeness and made a liar of my desires to have you.
In your entirety.
This conspiracy has no value,
This conspiracy of circumstances never mattered!

We walk away.
Both of us with a little less than before.
As we have left a piece of our souls in the limbo
of this one-night stand.

And sometimes, I would have rather you left the money on the night stand
than take a piece of my soul.

Yeah.

My Dwele article in Groove Korea

Dwele, the neo-soul artist from Detroit, Michigan, who is known for his smoothed out vocals and solid hit records, recently toured Korea. Crooning in army bases from Uijeongbu to Ulsan, Dwele’s visit to Korea was about boosting soldier morale by giving them and army affiliated expatriates a taste of universal soul music, with a talented taste of home. The concert was definitely set apart from other ordinary Korean musical experiences.

Appearing on the scene in 2002 with the debut album “Subject” and releasing his Grammy nominated sophomore album “Some Kinda…” in 2005, Dwele’s third album release called “Sketches of a Man” comes at a time when there is so much to be said about the music industry. With the rise of downloading, the downturn of record sale dollars and the revamp of the artist tour, having a music career is not just about being hip or having swagger nowadays. It’s more about having passion and dedication. Dwele has proven to have brought talent, dedication and passion to a high point on his latest self-produced record.

“Sketches of a Man” has both classic and contemporary elements of hip-hop, jazz and soul. But what makes this a great album is the combination of great musicianship and solid song writing. The song “Body-rock” has a club vibe, where we seem to witness Dwele in a pop-star-ish, ‘built-for-the-radio’ arena. Even with this deviation from the normal soul sentiments, the experiment to try something new with his music worked out well. Another standout recording was the cover of Bobby Caldwell’s “Open Your Eyes” that highlights Dwele’s breezy vocals over the hip-hop base and delicate piano. The record consistently had a chilled out vibration that we can depend on soul artists for without losing the fun-loving, conscious, poetic musical flows of today’s popular social climates.

“Our job as musicians is to make good music and take the time to express the feelings of the people. Unfortunately, not a lot of artists are doing that right now. It’s almost like it’s too stressful to be political, but musicians should document the times,” says Dwele, who feels that his third album is culminating and conclusive in content as opposed to the musings and exploring he did in his previous records.

When asked to comment on the passing of musical icon Michael Jackson, Dwele was sincerely affected. “I really couldn’t believe it. I had 20 texts messages on my phone. I heard it, but then it wasn’t real. It got real, though. I woke up the next day and the news was still the same.” Almost everybody who is even remotely connected to the music world has been influenced by the art, stardom and innovations of Michael Jackson. “He has a song that everybody can relate to. There are only a few people in this world who were meant to be immortal, and Michael was one of them. He was, without a doubt, one of the biggest musical trailblazers of all time.”

Although Dwele’s musical career does not deem him as a pop star, his successes are built on an unshakeable ground of artistry. From the horn sections in “Travelin’Girl” and “Vain”, the piano mastery in “I’m Sorry”, to the subversive lyrics of “Cheating” (where he is actually singing about dating a girl and cheating with her alter-ego), what we hear is pure talent. For Dwele, making music is also about knowing when and where to put a song. “There is a time and place for everything. I don’t go to the club and expect to hear gospel music or when I want to relax, do I go ahead and play some Gucci Mane either. Location is everything.” The entire album is formulated for certain kinds of environments, yet it completely fulfills one’s expectations of a great soul record.

From album to album it seems like “Sketches of a Man” is the strongest one yet. Released on KOCH records, which is an independent label housing other musical powerhouses such as Sinead O’Connor and RZA, what seems evident is that Dwele’s talent has been unleashed with strength and passion that makes his musical journey an exciting course to follow. Even to Korea.


Copyright 2000 ~ 2009 Groove Korea

Dealing with my ego. Age 28.

Having too big of an ego can put you in a multitude of negative scenarios.

• Like being lustful and denying yourself the opportunity to be alone.
• Like being used as a doormat just so you can feel special or relevant.
• Like seeing people you love do exactly the same things that other people who have hurt you have done, and then think it was a reflection of you this second time around.
• Like seeing people you love exclude you from monumental moments in their life and then think it was a reflection of your character.
  
• Like living a lie.
• Like being completely non-monogamous and lying about it.
• Like quitting a good job so you can struggle for a lot less and still be miserable.
• Like being too black that you can't see the beauty in purple, yellow, green, and blue.
• Like being so smart that people don't know how to talk to you. 
• Like being in a perpetual state of self-consciousness and but not at all being self-aware. 
• Like pretending.
• Like being so outwardly forgiving that you really keep hoping that every sheep you meet is not going to turn out to be a wolf even when the sheep has wolf tendencies.
  

I am going through a spiritual, emotional and personal metamorphosis. Meaning that I had one version of self that worked for me but it wasn't perfect and now I feel like God/universe/self are insisting that I mirror-up (or should I say man up) and change.


My tarot came the other day and said that I have self-accepting and self forgiveness to embrace before true change can come. With that noted, this is how I embark upon an ego driven or ego maniacal analysis of my state of affairs.

My ego is not just the negative thoughts that make me think I am better than other people, its also the thoughts that make me believe I am irreproachable when dealing with other people and their issues. But I am not. My mother used to say to me that my EGO was an acronym for "Edging. God. Out." And I think purposefully so, ego is exactly that when you worship yourself and your own built up ideal of who you are. The reality is that it can be destroyed so easily, which is why I am where I am.

When my heart got broken earlier this year (repeatedly), I kept praying about it because in my life, there is no deeper love than the one I receive from my creator. My abundant life is a testimony to God's love. The excellent parents, family and friends I have are a testament to God's undying brilliance in my life. These amazing expressions of life and the lessons and beauty they share with me are no accident and I appreciate every life like it was my own. Yet, that pain was/is so unbearable at times that I have wanted to die and leave everything and everyone behind. But in understanding the truth of this life and its variety, its seasons, its highs and lows, its expression and its destruction, on some very simple and complex vibrations, I am still here.

Relativity is a huge thing too. There are only so many people to call, so many prayers you could say or songs you could sing that irreverently make a difference, but nothing eased my pain but time.

I am ready for death though or some form of it. I am ready to embrace the idea of not living like this anymore. I started to see myself as a joke or a pawn or a tool.  I started to see myself as completely invaluable and capable of murderous actions and crimes. I started to see my anger and rage that are rooted in years of misunderstandings, disrespect, mishandling and abuse and have decided that I am/was not entitled to do or be anything outside of this time of anger and frustration.  To be ugly for ugly sake is pointless too.

Letting it all go on account of God's grace and mercy is a completely selfless act. My pain is subsiding and all that is left is the will to be better. Be completely solitary. And better.

I am hoping to forget most of 2009. I am hoping that my tear ducts will only respond to joy. I am hoping I will die daily and live in the sun where I belong.
I am leaving it all behind and embracing my left hand and my right hand for the comfort they can give and receive.
But most of all...
I am accepting that being a fool is a part of life. For now, I'll just have to let the pen cry.