- Like being lustful and denying yourself the opportunity to be alone.
- Like being used as a doormat just so you can feel special or relevant.
- Like seeing people you love do exactly the same things that other people who have hurt you have done, and then think it was a reflection of you this second time around.
- Like seeing people you love exclude you from monumental moments in their life and then think it was a reflection of your character.
- Like living a lie.
- Like being completely non-monogamous and lying about it.
- Like quitting a good job so you can struggle for a lot less and still be miserable.
- Like being too black that you can't see the beauty in purple, yellow, green, and blue.
- Like being so smart that people don't know how to talk to you.
- Like being in a perpetual state of self-consciousness and but not at all being self-aware.
- Like pretending.
- Like being so outwardly forgiving that you really keep hoping that every sheep you meet is not going to turn out to be a wolf even when the sheep has wolf tendencies.
My tarot came the other day and said that I have self-accepting and self forgiveness to embrace before true change can come. With that noted, this is how I embark upon an ego driven or ego maniacal analysis of my state of affairs.
My ego is not just the negative thoughts that make me think I am better than other people, its also the thoughts that make me believe I am irreproachable when dealing with other people and their issues. But I am not. My mother used to say to me that my EGO was an acronym for "Edging. God. Out." And I think purposefully so, ego is exactly that when you worship yourself and your own built up ideal of who you are. The reality is that it can be destroyed so easily, which is why I am where I am.
When my heart got broken earlier this year (repeatedly), I kept praying about it because in my life, there is no deeper love than the one I receive from my creator. My abundant life is a testimony to God's love. The excellent parents, family and friends I have are a testament to God's undying brilliance in my life. These amazing expressions of life and the lessons and beauty they share with me are no accident and I appreciate every life like it was my own. Yet, that pain was/is so unbearable at times that I have wanted to die and leave everything and everyone behind. But in understanding the truth of this life and its variety, its seasons, its highs and lows, its expression and its destruction, on some very simple and complex vibrations, I am still here.
Relativity is a huge thing too. There are only so many people to call, so many prayers you could say or songs you could sing that irreverently make a difference, but nothing eased my pain but time.
I am ready for death though or some form of it. I am ready to embrace the idea of not living like this anymore. I started to see myself as a joke or a pawn or a tool. I started to see myself as completely invaluable and capable of murderous actions and crimes. I started to see my anger and rage that are rooted in years of misunderstandings, disrespect, mishandling and abuse and have decided that I am/was not entitled to do or be anything outside of this time of anger and frustration. To be ugly for ugly sake is pointless too.
Letting it all go on account of God's grace and mercy is a completely selfless act. My pain is subsiding and all that is left is the will to be better. Be completely solitary. And better.
I am hoping to forget most of 2009. I am hoping that my tear ducts will only respond to joy. I am hoping I will die daily and live in the sun where I belong.
I am leaving it all behind and embracing my left hand and my right hand for the comfort they can give and receive.
But most of all...
I am accepting that being a fool is a part of life. For now, I'll just have to let the pen cry.
Your soulful courage, your unwavering honesty, your sincere intention, and your divine wisdom are all attributes that are equally visible, Rasheeda. You are a beautiful goddess that is way more than just a pretty face, even though the most shallow humans may get caught up in that part of you.
ReplyDelete2009 was my hardest year of existence, by far, as well. But pressure does make diamonds, and you survived it for a reason. So you could see how to improve yourself for the future. So few people are willing to stare the evil in their ego in the eye and admit that it is not benefitting their mental evolution or spiritual progress. Don't beat yourself up too bad, love. You are an amazing woman. Destroy the old you, and rebuild anew. I believe the next Rasheeda will be a miracle maker.
Eternally loving all parts of you, both good and bad, as you find your sacred balance,
Adhimu
i wonder what it is, exactly, that causes us to be so self conscious about coming across as too black, too coloured, too marked...?
ReplyDeletei wanna thank you for teaching me about what it means to be shiny. and, for telling me when u think i need to powder my nose.
good looking, friend.
Yes! Let the pain felt from these trials serve as a reminder of what hasn't been working for you and let it be your catalist for change.
ReplyDeleteEventhough your post is a personal account of your experiences, I see elements of myself and can identify with this journey. This is huge. You've taken a major step forward, and retreating is not an option.
We've all been blessed with your rays of warmth and light; you were meant to live in the sun!
I couln't love you more!